I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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