ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
