I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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