I'm lost and stupid without you.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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