I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
