a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
