so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
