When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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