Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
