Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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