Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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