Just took my morning after pill in the library
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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