i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
