Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
