If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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