I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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