I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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