Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
