Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
