So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
