now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
