Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Girls should come with a carfax report
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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