Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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