Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
