If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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