She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
