Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
