gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
