im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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