I haven't been this sober since birth.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
