I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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