So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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