there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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