Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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