please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
