Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
