so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
