he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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