Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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