Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
