Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
