wanna go halves on a baby?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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