Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
