I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
