I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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