woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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