I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
