I didn't shave. On purpose
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
