Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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