if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
