its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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